Lawn Order

My hometown of Canton, Ohio, passed a law that will jail people who let their lawn grow longer than a porn star's penis. Home prices are tanking. Who's responsible? The bum down the street who won't cut his grass!

People are obsessed with their lawns all across America but it seems fitting that this came from Canton. When I mowed lawns there in the summer people seemed particularly uptight about which direction you mowed and at what height they wanted it maintained--after a few days they treat it like a five o' clock shadow that needs a fresh scraping.

So much effort goes into maintaining a lawn; gas, water, chemicals, time. If I ever make enough money to buy a house, the first order of business will be ridding myself of as much lawn as possible with gardens, mulch, walkways, low-maintenance shrubs, cement--whatever can keep me from reeking of gasoline on Sundays.

Friday: Female Presidential Candidates of Tomorrow