The Wise Choice

The private parts of the next Supreme Court pick are very important to people. And they should be--time for some equality up in this bitch. People may eventually care about her views, but only on abortion.

Confirmation hearing these days are all out assaults against the nominee's life and political views. A gum wrapper they threw away in 1984 could come back to haunt them. Forget training for days with judicial mumbo jumbo rebuttals. Here's my three prong approach to get anyone woman through.

• Picking a woman is great. They live longer than men. But not just any woman will do. She's got to be young. A stem cell, if possible. I recommend going with whoever is on the cusp of the minimum age to be on the court. (35?) Until we get rid of these stupid lifetime appointments, you gotta play the game. The liberals on the court are depressingly decrepit. We need youthful vigor.
• She should be hot. We are a judgmental society and ugly women get nothing but public scorn. (Think Harriet Miers.) People care about looks more than politics anyway. Let's give in and play it to our advantage. JJ Abrams did and look at all the success he's having with Star Trek. Would you go see it if the stars were all ugly? Of course not. Uhura for Supreme Court Justice!
• Someone should cry. Alito's wife bawling up a storm during questioning really upped the sympathy factor for him. Best to pick a woman of color so her elderly mother can sob on camera when crazy Republicans badger her on Roe v. Wade. That kind of imagery will create a tidal wave of public support. After that, only a racist demon would vote against her.

Now, I'm sure people have more nuanced, intellectual strategies they fancy to be superior to mine. They know nothing. This is the path to victory.